A Visit with “The Seers”

Today I am feeling quite blue. My relationship has parted ways.

Although we share many of the same ideals on life and love, it has been a challenge for us to get on the same page as to how to be in the space of one another’s complex lives.

But I wanted so badly for us to succeed. I knew in my heart I had been abandoning my own needs. I pretended, after years of exploration, that I did not know what I really wanted. What a sham. I know what I want.

I have to stand in my highest self and look for ALL that I want in a relationship. I’ll be sweating hypocrisy if I do any differently at this point… and, it just feels wrong to stay, I’m sure, for both of us… with all of this knowledge.

Unloved and unworthy had reared it’s ugly head, and my energies had begun to organize themselves around these unwanted feelings, yielding struggle, loneliness and more negativity then you could imagine. Whatever ideals I had for being there, had absolutely no possibility to heal in this state. Although I am somewhat relieved about this shift, it is not without great heartache that I attempt to let go. But there are many good “reasons” to do so. Still, I’m left with mixed feelings, and how they’ll be resolved is yet unknown.

(Or he’s just not that into me…)

My life has been a whirlwind of late, so many parts aligning with my highest being…with little or no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Business is thriving, my Darshan to India approaching, my many, many friendships and interests, what’s next for where I will live my life, all interests (and concerns) keeping me in the energy in which I thrive the most…

…kinesis.

This weekend in my solitude, I’ve felt this sinking feeling of guilt and remorse. That I had been too hasty. I’ve bailed out. I’ve been impatient and pushy. I’ve disappointed. I’ve failed at love again…

…always what I do to myself when I slow down.

I am being visited by not one but two Praying Mantis. With the exception of this summer, I’ve not had such an auspicious visit since I was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old. they had always appeared as magical creatures to me. Once, when one visited the stoop of our garden apartment, my mother told us it was a symbol of good luck for them to visit your doorstep. Today, I interpret it as no less of an alchemic event that they are keeping me company.

After a little bit of reading on the wisdom of these creatures, here is what I’ve found…

The overall message of the Praying Mantis is to be still and calm and to wait for that which you seek to come in time, when you are prepared and ready to appreciate the benefits of your patience. [referenced here] This is not a time to act out of fear. (After all, my experimentation in listening to and reacting to my fear in the past, had yielded disastrous results…) This is a time to go within and allow success to unfold in the stillness.

The Praying Mantis (or some variation of this species) have been seen on this planet for around 24-34 million years. I read this as “be steadfast in my quest for the life of beauty I seek.” They have the certainty of time. What do they see through it’s lens?

If a Mantis appears in your life, the message is to be patient toward one’s goals. It is time to heal the childhood wound that drives all that you do… (this resonates with me for obvious reasons). To distinguish abandonment, unloveable, unwanted… and how real those childhood symptoms can feel in one’s adult relationships. And how destructive those young conversations can be when unconsciously heeded or reacted to.

The greeks had seen the role of the Mantis as oracles, seers and prophets. In the African bush, the bushmen told tales that the Mantis were keepers of fire which is an essential element to facilitate a passage toward manhood. Ah manhood… I understand more now. And the list of interpretations go on…

There are not one but two here. And they are both sticking around.

I think they are mates. Another search revealed, the Mantis will mate, and if they are in captivity, the male will be devoured by the female during or after mating, some speculate simply because he could not get away. (I’ll try not to read to much into THAT one.) All I can say is that perhaps she is consumed with ecstasy such that is her instinct. When we are consumed with our own ecstasy as humans, what becomes of our instincts?

Still I have read to observe what the totem is doing when it visits, how many are there, what is the mood?

Two, waiting, peaceful and observant, teaching by their mere presence. Hallelujah!

All in all, contemplating the gift of these “visits” and this very powerful relationship, my overall takeaway is this: When one discovers truth within one’s self, it is impossible to reneg on that truth. In my case, all of my life’s events, both light and dark, had occurred for me to discover my greatest passions. I can not through the lessons of those very powerful events away for anyone or anything.

Art, Connection, Ecstasy. Transparent, Authentic & Open.

I had been attempting to ignore those passions yet again… I pretended I had not done the work to deeply engrain the knowledge of self into my being. That which is not aligned with your highest self can not be forced or shifted  even slightly. Truth is mirrored by truth.

Hopefully I have now had enough painful learning to be fully committed to my desires and dreams. (Although somehow I doubt the perfection we seek will ever look the way we think it should). For now, I’ll learn what the Mantis, who relaxes not 5 feet from me, has to teach. Wait with patience and tolerance for the right timing, the wisdom and the fire to light the path toward wholeness, and the knowledge that living each day aligned with one’s heart can do nothing but open a vast space for one’s purpose to be fully realized.