Today I am feeling quite blue. My relationship has parted ways.

Although we share many of the same ideals on life and love, it has been a challenge for us to get on the same page as to how to be in the space of one another’s complex lives.

But I wanted so badly [...]]]>

Today I am feeling quite blue. My relationship has parted ways.

Although we share many of the same ideals on life and love, it has been a challenge for us to get on the same page as to how to be in the space of one another’s complex lives.

But I wanted so badly for us to succeed. I knew in my heart I had been abandoning my own needs. I pretended, after years of exploration, that I did not know what I really wanted. What a sham. I know what I want.

I have to stand in my highest self and look for ALL that I want in a relationship. I’ll be sweating hypocrisy if I do any differently at this point… and, it just feels wrong to stay, I’m sure, for both of us… with all of this knowledge.

Unloved and unworthy had reared it’s ugly head, and my energies had begun to organize themselves around these unwanted feelings, yielding struggle, loneliness and more negativity then you could imagine. Whatever ideals I had for being there, had absolutely no possibility to heal in this state. Although I am somewhat relieved about this shift, it is not without great heartache that I attempt to let go. But there are many good “reasons” to do so. Still, I’m left with mixed feelings, and how they’ll be resolved is yet unknown.

(Or he’s just not that into me…)

My life has been a whirlwind of late, so many parts aligning with my highest being…with little or no signs of slowing down anytime soon. Business is thriving, my Darshan to India approaching, my many, many friendships and interests, what’s next for where I will live my life, all interests (and concerns) keeping me in the energy in which I thrive the most…

…kinesis.

This weekend in my solitude, I’ve felt this sinking feeling of guilt and remorse. That I had been too hasty. I’ve bailed out. I’ve been impatient and pushy. I’ve disappointed. I’ve failed at love again…

…always what I do to myself when I slow down.

I am being visited by not one but two Praying Mantis. With the exception of this summer, I’ve not had such an auspicious visit since I was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old. they had always appeared as magical creatures to me. Once, when one visited the stoop of our garden apartment, my mother told us it was a symbol of good luck for them to visit your doorstep. Today, I interpret it as no less of an alchemic event that they are keeping me company.

After a little bit of reading on the wisdom of these creatures, here is what I’ve found…

The overall message of the Praying Mantis is to be still and calm and to wait for that which you seek to come in time, when you are prepared and ready to appreciate the benefits of your patience. [referenced here] This is not a time to act out of fear. (After all, my experimentation in listening to and reacting to my fear in the past, had yielded disastrous results…) This is a time to go within and allow success to unfold in the stillness.

The Praying Mantis (or some variation of this species) have been seen on this planet for around 24-34 million years. I read this as “be steadfast in my quest for the life of beauty I seek.” They have the certainty of time. What do they see through it’s lens?

If a Mantis appears in your life, the message is to be patient toward one’s goals. It is time to heal the childhood wound that drives all that you do… (this resonates with me for obvious reasons). To distinguish abandonment, unloveable, unwanted… and how real those childhood symptoms can feel in one’s adult relationships. And how destructive those young conversations can be when unconsciously heeded or reacted to.

The greeks had seen the role of the Mantis as oracles, seers and prophets. In the African bush, the bushmen told tales that the Mantis were keepers of fire which is an essential element to facilitate a passage toward manhood. Ah manhood… I understand more now. And the list of interpretations go on…

There are not one but two here. And they are both sticking around.

I think they are mates. Another search revealed, the Mantis will mate, and if they are in captivity, the male will be devoured by the female during or after mating, some speculate simply because he could not get away. (I’ll try not to read to much into THAT one.) All I can say is that perhaps she is consumed with ecstasy such that is her instinct. When we are consumed with our own ecstasy as humans, what becomes of our instincts?

Still I have read to observe what the totem is doing when it visits, how many are there, what is the mood?

Two, waiting, peaceful and observant, teaching by their mere presence. Hallelujah!

All in all, contemplating the gift of these “visits” and this very powerful relationship, my overall takeaway is this: When one discovers truth within one’s self, it is impossible to reneg on that truth. In my case, all of my life’s events, both light and dark, had occurred for me to discover my greatest passions. I can not through the lessons of those very powerful events away for anyone or anything.

Art, Connection, Ecstasy. Transparent, Authentic & Open.

I had been attempting to ignore those passions yet again… I pretended I had not done the work to deeply engrain the knowledge of self into my being. That which is not aligned with your highest self can not be forced or shifted  even slightly. Truth is mirrored by truth.

Hopefully I have now had enough painful learning to be fully committed to my desires and dreams. (Although somehow I doubt the perfection we seek will ever look the way we think it should). For now, I’ll learn what the Mantis, who relaxes not 5 feet from me, has to teach. Wait with patience and tolerance for the right timing, the wisdom and the fire to light the path toward wholeness, and the knowledge that living each day aligned with one’s heart can do nothing but open a vast space for one’s purpose to be fully realized.

Last night I took a late night bath to unwind from a very intense work day. I noticed the millions of cricket and cicada sounds outside. They were relentless. I knew that these sounds would be there later—even if I had gone to another room, watched a movie and came back to the window [...]]]>

Last night I took a late night bath to unwind from a very intense work day. I noticed the millions of cricket and cicada sounds outside. They were relentless. I knew that these sounds would be there later—even if I had gone to another room, watched a movie and came back to the window in the wee hours of the night. They’d still be going with vigor.

Were they so loud because it was the end of the summer and they were at the apex of their lives? Their message to me was thriving communication, abundance, and the apex of life is now… All that we need to see, embrace, love and know is NOW!!!

Here’s what I read on animalspirits.com
Cricket’s Wisdom Includes:

Good luck – Ok I would really like to buy that.

Teaching the power of song in darkness – Hmmm, often I think that is why I’m on this planet.

Finding ones way out of darkness by following their song – see above

Understanding the time to jump out of a situation – I’ve been there before… and have often stayed too long, however, my being there led to points 2 and 3 above (the ability to be of service).

Communication - This is always paramount to any situation. And communication is often about listening.

Connection to the plant kingdom – Given the state of the plant kingdom, we are all hearing lots of crickets right now.

I would say the metaphor that ‘hearing crickets’, means no one is listening is true in a way. No one is listening to the crickets. The wisdom one can receive from listening to nature, may have been written in some document, either ancient or contemporary, but nothing compares to the wisdom one gets when we simply go within and listen to our intuition, about what we observe externally. The apex is now. When we hear the crickets, it’s time to listen to what they might be saying to each of us individually… not that we can’t ignore their din, because no one else is talking. Thank the universe for “silence”.

I had been writing and ruminating, dreaming, worrying… I was thinking… what to do about a confronting situation? I thought I knew. But the answers were inside my head, inside of fears, predictable and out of reach.

And in what I believe was [...]]]> This morning around 1am I was visited by a 5 inch moth.

I had been writing and ruminating, dreaming, worrying… I was thinking… what to do about a confronting situation? I thought I knew. But the answers were inside my head, inside of fears, predictable and out of reach.

And in what I believe was a somewhat synchronistic moment, he appeared.

My heart skipped when I saw him land on my window screen. He was so beautiful, brown, patterned and velvety with thick antennae.

He looked something like this:

This image from http://chickory.blogspot.com

I immediately looked up articles on Moth Wisdom in shamanic lore. Here is what I found from “Walking on Fire” a blog on Jewish Mysticism and all things essential What I had read seemed so much more logical then the blog’s mystical visual appearance.

Sometimes when I am in a place of uncertainty I consult and draw the celtic runes. They do not tell me what to do, what the future holds or things that are unknown, they simply remind me of a spiritual energy and intellect that I already posess, which has been clouded [...]]]>

Sometimes when I am in a place of uncertainty I consult and draw the celtic runes. They do not tell me what to do, what the future holds or things that are unknown, they simply remind me of a spiritual energy and intellect that I already posess, which has been clouded by emotional confusion. They sometimes provide peace.

Today I drew Sowelu. The Sun. I am reminded that the sun’s energy flows through all of us. Quite simply the pollutants of our thoughts and fear are that which keep us from knowing this on a cellular level. On the coldest of winter days, the sun shines above. Sometimes we just cannot see it when obstructed by clouds.

Like Sowelu, love flows through us. It is not something one can hold or harness. It is simply something we learn to adapt to, understand, adjust ourselves to and embrace, so that it’s flow can be unleashed in the world.

I uncover love within myself and see that it has been clouded by fears and worries… my own unchecked ego. It is present within me and I share it with you. This wisdom comes to me nearly every day through different channels. Plainly it says, “have the presence of mind to see that your trying, pushing, worrying, manipulating, stressing, attachment is not preventing love’s energy from flowing through you, but it is withholding your alignment with it’s everflowing energy”.

Namaste.

The Eel is the metaphor for swimming in the cold and murky waters of fear. It sits in waiting to be fed by passers-by. Important to note, the eel is not waiting to harm anyone. It just means to survive. Instead of anticipating it’s unknown moves, swim to shore. Sit on [...]]]>

The Eel is the metaphor for swimming in the cold and murky waters of fear. It sits in waiting to be fed by passers-by. Important to note, the eel is not waiting to harm anyone. It just means to survive. Instead of anticipating it’s unknown moves, swim to shore. Sit on the sands warmed by the sun. Enjoy the beautiful view and knowledge that the Eel only thrives on what you feed to it. Perhaps he will come to the surface and glisten in the sun for you or maybe he will provide an electric display for his audience under water. The Eel is a beautiful and mysterious creature that will always be there if needed.

If you feel a struggle within, there’s a good chance it is caused by a conversation you are having with yourself. That conversation can be so persistent that others become unconsciously enrolled in it with you to the point that it’s perceived as a struggle between you. The best way to [...]]]>

If you feel a struggle within, there’s a good chance it is caused by a conversation you are having with yourself. That conversation can be so persistent that others become unconsciously enrolled in it with you to the point that it’s perceived as a struggle between you. The best way to find power in a struggle is to surrender to it, give up that there is something to debate, resist, argue, make wrong. You’ll soon realize the only power your struggle had was when it had been fed.

Not only have my roots been fastened and secured, but my life has been spared. More often than not, out of my wounds have sprung blossoms, leaves, seedlings and vines. From where my branches had been broken, came chutes baring twice as many limbs and sprouts, those are young and green, [...]]]>

Not only have my roots been fastened and secured, but my life has been spared. More often than not, out of my wounds have sprung blossoms, leaves, seedlings and vines. From where my branches had been broken, came chutes baring twice as many limbs and sprouts, those are young and green, with soft ripe skin, not cragged, brown polloped, craggy old bark.

The chain link fence that at first seemed impassable, became part of my trunk. A piece of it is now woven through me. It helps to strengthen the fiber of my core. The rest of the fence was cut away long ago.

I’ve already spun all those toxic fumes into breathable air. That’s one of my gifts, I turn poison into oxygen. I’m settled next to an open field, by the side of a road where you can stop and share.

My leaves can be pressed into books for keepsake, or rubbed with charcoal to see what the imprint looks like. My fruit can be savored when you need something sweet or add to the carpet of humous when it falls from decay. My dried out old twigs can be kindling for a fire, or framing a nest. My shade can cool you on the hottest days. Even my seed pods can become a costume when properly affixed to your nose.

I am an entire ecosystem now.

Use my lessons as yours as you discover how pliant is your own timber, how abundant are the rings at your own core. Any way you can think of that I can be used, I am more than satisfied at your service.

Rob Brezsny’s weekly newsletter features excerpts from his book, PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA. I wrote this piece inspired by Luminous Tease which can be found here.

Did you know that when a man hears a woman’s voice, it get processed in the same part of the brain where he hears music?

A mindful practice of music would be to let your self hear every note, every word, every tap of the cymbal, every finger touching every [...]]]>

Did you know that when a man hears a woman’s voice, it get processed in the same part of the brain where he hears music?

A mindful practice of music would be to let your self hear every note, every word, every tap of the cymbal, every finger touching every string or every key. Let each high note lift your heart. Allow every bass line to connect you to the rhythms of the earth. Let tears fill your eyes when two voices in harmony loop together like ribbons. Boom, boom, boom, boom. So familiar, not to your ears but your primal core… And sometimes let yourself hear the space in between, so that you find your foot, on the up, on the 2. The 2 is like inhaling, so often overlooked.

Music is love, but passionate love. Ecstasy. To allow your self to feel music is to be deeply moved. Next time you are “feeling” music remember what it feels like in your body. Notice how you react to it. Then imagine the music is no longer playing, yet you still feel this feeling in your heart, your skin, even your hair. This is what it feels like to know what it is that you want.

Today, amongst all of the information we are receiving [...]]]>

My legs really aren't that long but the trees really were that tall.

Have you ever heard the following phrases about inspiration? “It will come to me” or “just can’t find the inspiration”, somehow suggesting inspiration is a thing that is gotten or acquired from an outside source… to appear in your lap or backyard as if by magic?

Today, amongst all of the information we are receiving in our proverbial “inboxes”, inspiration frequently becomes swapped out for activities like shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, or whatever our consumer habits or addictions of choice are.

In the past being a commercial artist, I had often subscribed to such clichés around being “lit up” or “on fire”, only to be left let-down and disappointed when that flaming white horse never ambled across my desktop background. We decide some “thing” is missing. So we look to the book, the sky, the joke, the stone, the song… and we pray that is where we might find whatever creative drive or catalyst we need… and second thought there is of course some validity as to where we might uncover ours.

One day, EUREKA!!!!! It came to me… (No not the horse, or any other thing but an idea!) Being inspired was not an object that landed in one’s lap after a great epiphany, or a wave of A-HA born crashing across the shores of creative doldrums, sent from the almighty finger presiding above… no that was not how creativity worked. However, inspiration is a concept that one must choose to look for in everything around and in every moment, a try-on, take on or commitment (yes commitment) to one’s creative energies.

In my own experience I’ve found it nearly impossible to “be inspired” without removing the holy roadblocks to that world where one can create magic. Namely disempowering or limiting beliefs that shut down creativity and right brain thinking. For example the idea “I’m not good enough” or “others are better or more deserving than me” or “wish it wasn’t so difficult” or “will it ever come?!!”. Any thoughts like these might be limiting enough blockades to any creative pathway for new ideas. In fact it’s a shortcut to more of the same.

It may be challenging to try to replace those patterns of thinking with other patterns geared toward generating new ideas. Sometimes just knowing you are looking for something is what opens the causeway toward divine inspiration. I had to master acknowledging my own accomplishments to learn how to be inspired. And it took some time for me to figure out that was my personal key. It just seemed so easy to feel that something was missing and so difficult to see anything else in that state.

Eventually the feelings of accomplishment became accessible in an instant. Now I just have to open to it and I get that raised hair, goose bumps, butterfly feeling and I know I’ve hit it!!! Like any skill, inspiration takes practice and sometimes you have to give it a good “fake it til you  make it push” before it clicks into full gear

Why not make yourself a new practice! Take on one week where you simply give up criticism, and that means any criticism that shows up in your head, either toward you or anyone around… your sweetheart, your kids, your mom, your boss, your self, your mailman, the tax collector… just be aware when you are criticizing either inwardly or outwardly, notice it and let it go… Or make a list of  what your greatest accomplishments have been. Read them over, add some each day. (It’s OK to feel a little proud.) Put the list somewhere where you can see it.

It serves no purpose to compare yourself to Ghandi  or Mother Teresa. That does not serve your highest being or power, nor does it acknowledge where you’ve succeeded. Become aware of how it feels to simply accept you have done something you care about. Even if no one has pinned a medal on you or given you a gold statue, it still feels good… admit it. After all, you might already be the enlightenment you are looking for.

You tell no one of your plan for the day. Not purposely, just haphazardly. Solo hikers rule number 1, always tell someone your plan, so they know where to send a search party later that night.

It is a long a riverbed trail through the upper reaches of Oak Creek Canyon. Supposedly one of [...]]]>

You tell no one of your plan for the day. Not purposely, just haphazardly. Solo hikers rule number 1, always tell someone your plan, so they know where to send a search party later that night.

It is a long a riverbed trail through the upper reaches of Oak Creek Canyon. Supposedly one of the 10 best hiking trails ever, says some outdoors magazine. You’re wearing summer hikers, a last minute online purchase to ensure ample ankle support. You never expected you’d see snow much less decide to do a wilderness hike in it.

You manage to forget all of the survival lessons Dad taught you growing up hiking and surviving in the semi wilderness.“ NEVER hike all day with wet feet. Always bring a second pair of socks and ample supplies of food and first aid”.  You recall (or acknowledge) many of these rules only after hiking for the better part of two hours, not meeting a single soul other than a bird in the brush. You’ve told no one…

And why today did you choose the sports socks rather than the waterproof, cushioned wool hiking socks purchased expressly for the trip? There would be “many crossings”… across the riverbed, tiptoeing from rock to rock to get back and forth up the trail. If you think about the crossing as a whole, you will make the multitude of challenges ahead monumental in your head. If you think about each stone as you step, before you know it, you will have crossed the creek effortlessly… same goes for the trail as a whole, all six miles up and down combined. Same goes for life.

The fear kept you company all day. It seemed to speak from the canyon walls themselves and the towering space that traveled down the river, in between those enormous rockfaces. The voice in your head saying, “you could wrench your ankle, tear that weak and tender cartilage in your knees that has been daunting the entire trip”. No one will know and it could be a long cold night in the snowy wilderness canyon.

“No one will even know where to look for you”. Thanks for sharing, you… Take another whack at the creek crossing. Promise to sit down for lunch at the next bend. And the next… and the next… Adrenaline preventing you from keeping those promises. Ego also having some say… Perhaps it would be smarter to turnaround and go back rather than being imaginative for the next mile.

Boulders toppled from the canyon walls lay in the center of the stream. “No one knows… or really cares…” There’s that evil voice again. You continue to walk and defy it as though it has no hold on you. You insist on overcoming this challenge in your classic unstoppable style. That’s right, you have a classic unstoppable style…

Why do the worst case scenarios continue to play out in your head, your imagination going out wilderness style. Are they visions into quantum life scenarios? Are they other peoples’ energy from their own worst cases? Or are they simply your machine trying to frighten you to safety. “You’ve done things much dumber than this and survived,”  is to become your next mantra.

Finally! The two women you pass coming down, seem relaxed, light-hearted, together. “You are alone” is repeated in your head, almost like your mind is trying again to foil your efforts for success and completion of your quest. As you reach the depths of the canyon trail, trees long dead, and unruly vines seem wild, soft and decomposing, covered in a blanket of winter, melting during the day but reclaiming frigidity at night, reminding you of the unstoppable and willful forces of the planet. Reminds you of your nature, conscious and always adapting to something no.

Why do you continue on? No proof that you won’t become a tale of ill-prepared and foolish tourist. Legs do, but mind does not, become tired of being ZEN. The completion of the trail had been accomplished solely through your fascination with one simple step after another down 6 miles of canyon.